I cut all my hair off

Sage — Sun, 08 Feb 2026 20:05:44 GMT

I have short hair now.

For most of my life, a big part of my identity has been my long, thick, beautiful silky hair. It's always been nice.

I remember when I first started developing curls. That was my first real dose of gender euphoria. My sister helped me do my hair that day, with products and a diffuser. I felt so pretty!

So of course I threw myself into doing my hair and making it look nice. I learned to style, how to prevent breakage, and how to cut my curly hair. It felt so good, like I had found a piece of myself that had always been missing.

I often joked about how it was the only part of myself that I liked. It was true, of course, but I eventually grew to love the way I looked. I had confidence for the first time in my life.

It helped the system, too. Most of us are feminine. It gave us a ritual every day. Helped our experience feel more normal through all the trauma we were experiencing.

Then my health started to decline more. I had to buy a cane. My energy levels became less and less. No worries, I thought, I just won't do my hair every day. I'll start tying it back.

And that worked, for awhile. Then I had to move. And unfortunately, I moved into a really toxic and abusive situation. It took a massive toll on us - and the stress made our health significantly worse. I was down to just washing and conditioning every other day.

By July 2025, I hadn't properly done my hair in months. It was honestly so devastating to lose something I had held as so intrinsic to who I was. I was already dissociating so much due to the stress and losing such a big part of my identity DIDNT help.

Then came the big crash of October. I remember the feeling of my brain and body shutting down, of my ears ringing as I stumbled across the room to cover my eyes and put earplugs in and lie down. God, it was so fuckinf scary. It felt like my body was eating itself. I thought I was going to die, and my horribly abusive roommate wasn't helping.

She thankfully left for about a week, which gave me time to recover, but I was never really the same after that. I was only able to bathe twice in a few months and wash my hair three or four times. Then I moved again. It was peaceful, but I pushed myself.

At the tail end of December, I had another crash. Except this one lasted much, MUCH longer. Full body 10/10 pain, migraines, inability to speak, with little energy to eat or get up to use the restroom.

It was incredibly, incredibly traumatizing. Then, I had a night of insomnia where I slept less than an hour. My resting heart rate lying flat was ~150 - and I was absolutely fucking terrified. My head was buzzing, my chest hurt from the adrenaline dumps, I could barely stand yet simultaneously had so much energy.

With the little energy I had I hadeft, I put together a card plan and began begging with my roommate and friends for help because I knew what was coming.

Oh, and it *came*. It was 15 times worse than before. I was literally paralyzed for hours at a time. I had to have my roommate help me into the restroom. It was so embarrassing.

And that might, before I crashed, I chopped off all my hair. It was an impulsive decision. Already, I had experienced hair loss from stress and lack of ability to keep up with maintenance. I had lost length and thickness. I chopped it all off. I only have a few inches left now, and all the hair I cut off is sitting in a box in my room right now.

I'm still processing this decision. I knew I had to at some point. I just can't keep up with long, curly hair right now. I can barely keep up with regular hygiene.

This is a grieving process for me. I feel like I've ripped out a piece of my soul having to rebuild it from the inside out. I am absolutely devastated.

And yet - I feel like I'm reaching a fresh start. I am a very spiritual person, and I believe hair holds energy and memories. I'm a way, I've severed myself from the trauma of my 2025 - all the abuse, the trauma, the breakup, the mood swings, the friend group fractures, the drama. All of it, gone. I have room to process now that it isn't permanently attached to my body anymore.

Already, I've been working through my suppressed anger and shame. I've been able to advance my spiritual health. I look like a fucking grub right now, but I've begun a new cycle.

I'm excited to grow my hair out and see what 2026 brings!

Welcome!

Sage — Sun, 18 Jan 2026 21:37:37 GMT

Hello y'all! I can't say I have anything really complex to say other than welcome.

My name is Sage. I have DID, ME/CFS, and more. I am spiritual, so my posts will likely involve spirituality.

Much of it will likely be meandering thoughts, things I've learned from the week/whatever timeframe I've written on, vents, or fiction I've written. I may share news in my life and more.

Sit and start awhile, share your experiences, and take care. If necessary, I will always add a relevant TW to any post I make.

This blog will always be 100% generative AI free and anti-generative AI.

Sage's Substack

I cut all my hair off

Welcome!